Okay! So I got my Head-shots done. No reason to keep it under wraps any longer. I am pursuing acting- FOR REAL this time. I know, I know. What changed all of a sudden? Well, it wasn't really all of a sudden. I think with college and working, I realized that I was opening myself up to so many opportunities, but for some reason, I was still shutting myself down from an opportunity in something I really do enjoy. I mean, with everything I do lately, it's about enjoying my time and NOT settling. I kept looking at shows, movies, and actresses, thinking- I want to do this- I could do this. Only to follow with- "but not really". Why not really? Mainly because I simply was not trying. Can't take advantage of opportunities you don't make yourself available for. So there you have it. No real big declaration I rather put my money where my mouth is and DO something towards this. I have my head-shots. The next step is finding representation. Wish me luck.

My Aunt Pamela passed away last week. She was truly a fierce force. She had a tough personality and problems to go along with it- but she loved hard. I'll miss her. I'll always love her.
I went back over to Jersey this past weekend to be with family during this time. It was, as always, a sobering experience. Anytime I get drunk on that comfort zone that tries to envelop me in SF I just go to Jersey or think of the struggle of my fam in Jersey and I sober right up. It always helps to put it all in perspective. It's easier for me in SF in my apartment and a 42 hour a week job to sometimes think what I do now is "good enough". Then I go home and see the way my family struggles (I struggle in SF too but it's painted in a more rose colored brush) and hear of my family members' hustle to go higher- b/c, as my cousin Roc says- we got no where else to go but up. Then I come to the conclusion that I'm slacking. The resources are there for the taking (and I say taking b/c no one wants to give it to you) and I still keep getting tipsy off of my comfort zone. This is going to stop.
Waiting until next summer to finally stop being a slave to the time clock with my full time job is too long. I've made the decision that I need to go into part-time by the beginning of Feb-maybe sooner if I can find something good.
Getting those headshots in the next 3 weeks and going on the hunt for an agent and gigs. You guessed it- I've been keeping it low but I'm back in the game. The game of Acting. Forget all that I was talking before about not wanting to pursue it. The comfort zone was in full effect and its main weapon was FEAR. I think for some time now two main emotions have been two major forces in dictating my decisions. Those two have been Fear followed by regret. Fear has made it so I try to go the "safe" and easy route. Then when I do that I'm reminded of the fact that fear has held me back so then I'm filled with Regret over my constant diversions. What always combats these two emotions is Love though. Mainly love for my family and hope that I can help make it easier for those I love. Also there is the love for my imagination and bringinh stories to life and the love of the rush of performing. I have to stop leading with Fear and start leading with Love.
I'm worthy of this dream. My family is worthy of a better life style. I can do this. Back on the hustle.

As time goes on, things are bound to change. Things that you never thought would no longer be there suddenly might not be there anymore. The pain is intense, but somehow you find the way to come to grips?? Or maybe never come to grips and pretend for the world that you have....If I could simply place all those I love in a bubble, with me in it, somewhere safe where nothing could ever harm us- I know I would. I would do it in a heart beat. Yet, I don't have that power. Only power I have is the strength that God blessed me with, that my family continues to help bring out in me.
I refuse to count the match done until the final play is called. I refuse to give up hope for a miracle. I refuse to stop believing in the impossible. Hope, faith, strength, and Love is all I have sometimes. I refuse to part with them. So for my Aunt Pamela I pray. I pray for one of the women who have helped shape my life, who I have known all of my life and who has always loved me. Who, through good and bad, I have always love and will continue to love.
The love I hold inside of me, for everyone I hold dear, is beyond this physical world. B/c I know this for sure I know there is something beyond this...place. Perhaps it is that bubble I always long for. Either way it all has made me realize how precious these tears of mine are. They are not worth blubbering over inconsequental things and stressing over things that in the bigger picture do not matter. I'll save my tears for my loves- for my loves are the only things worthy.
I love you. And for you I cry.

What is it? I recently finished reading a book that addresses this issue. The comfort zone it explains is certain emotions (guilt, anger, fear, etc.) Inside of us that come together to keep us from pursuing more extreme goals for ourselves. It comes into affect to give us rationalizations for why we should stay put and be "comfortable" where we are. As humans, many of us have grown accustomed to the notion that if something makes us uncomfortable we probably shouldn't be doing it. This, in turn, can make us pass over opportunities that come our way.
Do I agree with the book? Yes. I think it is very accurate to say we have emotions inside of us, and a mentality, that can make us give up easily- or simply want to leave "well enough" alone.
The book, (entitled Do It) wasn't saying anything new but it says what many of us already know and puts it right in front of us not pulling punches. I think many of us have talked ourselves out of things we really wanted to do at some point in our lives. Well I would like to stop doing that.
After reading the book, or while reading the book- I realized I talked myself out of something I really enjoyed doing some time ago. I would like to stop doing that. I will stop doing that. I'm not going to say what that dream is yet- but know I'm working towards it.

In other news: I am doing a 4 and a half day water/juice fast. I am currently on day one. I hear the first day is the hardest. It's excitingf b/c I'm doing one of the things needed that I've always talked myself out of. Honestly, I'm doing this to jump start my body. Along with me being "comfortable" mentally my body has followed suit. It isn't getting the memo that I'd like to lose weight. So I figured I'd give it something of a cleansing wake up call. I'm amped b/c I have come to terms that the only one stopping me is myself. Let's give it a shot.

Why? Over the years she's been out I've come to respect her. She took what she was good at and went on her hustle to not only dominate that, but to use her success in that to influence other things and outlets. Despite the haters, nay-sayers, and the like- she continues to do things on her own terms. I suppose that is why I renamed my journal after her song "Ego".
I mean- look at her. She's this African American female who came into the game and doesn't do only R&B. She does POP- and SHE DOMINATES IT. Her movies are one hit after another. She's main stream. She's not some skinny fits the mold kind of woman. She broke the mold of what we were told was supposed to be the POP Queen. The mainstream movie heroine. And much more. For that- I give her props and much deserved respect. Not that she needs it.
What she does with her music and image is what I want to do with the writing world. I want to write my stories my way, put it out there, switch up the game, and dominate. It is totally possible I think....no- I KNOW. I guess that is also one of the things that being in college does for you. It gives you hope. Hope that with all this knowledge and resources around you, that you can use, absorb, and take it and make your mark on the world the way you want to. Going back to school was one of the things I NEEDED to do. It's open my heart and mind back up to all the things that I had stored away to dreams and fantasies.
I want to go for it.

Okay, well, I recently finished reading the book Skinny Bitch. The book was definitely a bait and switch. I thought I was getting a sassy talking diet book. What I got instead was a advocacy campaign to go Vegan. After the description of what goes on in slaughter houses and seeing videos of the BULLSHIT done to innocent animals like pigs, cows, and chickens- I AM DONE. FUCK SUPPORTING AN INDUSTRY THAT DOES THAT KIND OF CRUELTY. I've never really been a big meat eater to begin with so it's not a huge jump for me. But the conviction I feel on this issue is REAL. I seriously want to look for a group in San Fran that I can get involved with to bring this to people's attention.
Please look at this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIjanhKqVC4

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to go the Vegan route. That would mean not drinking milk, eggs, or cheese- and anything made with it. That can be REALLY limiting. But I know for sure Vegetarian is what I am.
I'm not saying people who choose to eat meat are the devil- but I'm saying we need to wake up to the shit we like to ignore b/c it is depressing. Studies have shown we can survive without meat, we can survive without cow's milk. We are at a stage in our existence where certain lifestyles are no longer needed. Why do we still do them? B/c the government is feeding us bullshit that it is needed to be healthy. Well the government (USDA, FDA, etc.) is in bed with the factory farmers and the slaughter house runners. It makes money. Our government be on that paper chase. After seeing what I have, I can't look at meat the same way again, let alone put it in my mouth.

Today is my last day of class for the first week of school. It has really been exciting in its own way. All that talk of majors, classes, etc., truly does get a different look when you actually START the classes. Then again, isn't that the case with everything? It's always different when you actually put it into action. Starting these classes has already made clear some things that were not clear to me before:
1. I am glad to have not gone to school right after high school. After experiencing different parts of life I am able to appreciate college and what I can get out of it.
2. I am glad to be pass the stage where I'm trying to find and define myself in front of my peers. I have an opinion- I give it. I also don't let stare downs from insecure chicks hating on me- get me down.
3. I do NOT want to major in writing. Actually having to sit in a class where I am forced to write essays on cue has taught me that doing that heavy for 4 years may actually make me dislike writing. This won't do.
4. The academic environment is different from the working world in structure but alike in big ways. In both there are people who think the sun revolves around them, others who do whatever to be accepted, and others who simply let their talent do the talking. It is competitve, it is a mixture of personalities fighting for their own space. B/c I've worked for a living I can recognize this.
Those are just a few of my observations thus far.
I'm enjoying the idea of being busy and working towards something.
In other news: I'm getting fat again. This just won't do. I seriously need to order that book "Skinny Bitch" b/c I have allowed my self to become laxed (is that a word?) in my habits. With my new- even more busy lifestyle, being an unhealthy blob is not the business.
That's all for now.

I haven't posted in a while. I've been semi busy- also I wanted to give it some time before I posted about majors again-lol.
On picking a college major: Basically I don't really need to choose anything until the second half of my sophomore year. I'm a just beginning freshmen. My classes start in about two weeks (wow- it still seems surreal) and as I take classes in different subjects I think it will become clearer what would be best for me to focus on. The majors that I'm giving serious thought are; Technical writing, english/creative writing, childhood development, and Economics. Economics is in the front- but we'll see as classes go along. Still wanting to write my book- there has been a lull in my writing for some weeks- but I think as school begins I'll get back into the habit of writing on the regular.
Politics: Well, I finally broke the final chain when it comes to that sect I was once apart of. How did I do this? Well, I basically posted on a site and aired their recent dirty laundry. It was like taking a load off of my shoulders. How? Well, I had some backwards thoughts before that kept me intimidated from posting anything about them before publicly. I think it was b/c during the time in this sect I was seeking approval from these ppl. And even after leaving there was some subconscious thought to want to stay in their good graces. I think that is what belonging to a sect/ psuedo cult can do to you. Even after leaving their influence on your mentality is still present and it takes work to finally shake it off. By telling the truth about them and airing their negative practices it may place me on their "uninvited" list, but my response to that is- So Fucking What? Lol. What do I owe them? What do they control that could still have power over me? The answer is- only what I let them. I'm happy to be on their negative list. It means they didn't put out my flame to question and stand on my own. To me, that is a victory.
In other news- I honestly feel people need to make sure they place values on themselves. If you know what u stand for it makes it a lot harder for you to fall for just anything. I think this applies to work and relationships. It took me some time to come to that conclusion but I am very glad I did.

Update on the going ons in the previous posts-
Well, my room mate seems to be sorely attached to this girl. I don't like it and I think it will only end up hurting my room mate more. The girl uses her emotions against her and it sucks. But I am not my room mate. I can not fight her battles for her or shield her from negative people she refuses to kick out of her life. She'll have to learn it on her own.
:Brushing the dirt off of my shoulders:
( Read more... )

There's a lot of them in this world- that's all I'm going to say.

Still in this new position at work and learning the tricks (and pricks) of the trade. Like I said when I first started I was obviously going to have to watch my own back and out for my own interest while staying true to myself. I was also going to have to get tougher skin and try not to over analyze everything. Sometimes, in the business world it is pretty straight forward; There are movers, shakers, money makers, and there are haters, snitches, and stuck up butt hurt bitches. That has been my take thus far. I, myself, consider myself in the first category.
( Read more... )

Basically this is the second part of my rant against myself. I stopped being a bum with my writing now I need to stop being a bum with my health/diet. I've been telling myself I want to fast for the longest. Just one day or two if I can make it through a second day. Its not only the pounds its also about my will power. I think I've grown too dependent upon eating. My motto some time ago was eat to live not live to eat. Well, I find myself eating as a pass time- not good. I just want to do this to show that eating doesn't dominate my mind.
Also, I now have only 5 weeks until I head to the beach. Although I've been doing my crunches I feel without losing at least a pound or two (which culminates around my tummy unfortunately) I'm going to be doing the crunches in vain. So I want to hold myself to fasting for Saturday. Water, vitamins, and some juice. See how far I get...


Update: Didn't succeed with my fast-lol. Basically I had to work on Saturday and ended up eating one slice of veggie pizza during the day along with a bowl of pasta later that night. On top of that I got sick from what I ate on Friday night. It sucks. Am I disappointed? A little, but at the same time I'm just glad I ate moderately and tried like hell (and succeeded) in not eating take out. It was money saved and calories not eaten. So that was a small accomplishment.

Well, not exactly-lol. BUT, to get ahead in this world (if you haven't gotten everything handed to you on a silver platter) you have to be on your hustle to get what you want. I think success is a bit of luck, a fair amount of skill, and a good amount of hustle. I feel like that's what I'm doing right now. I'm staying pretty busy actually- but in a good way.
I'm doing this job that I feel I want to hold onto b/c it is in the field of business. This is a field that I feel I can definitely advance in. Having the hands on experience in the business world and the climate that it has is a sobering experience. Its teaching me to have a tougher shell and to go for mine. People have their opinions, but in the end, only I (and God of course) know what is best for me. For example, I already work 42.5 hours a week at my current job. Recently they asked me to take on an assignment that would require additional hours of work and possibly work on Saturdays. At first I was like- NOPE. LOL, but then I put it in perspective;
1. It was more money
2. It would get me experience in another department
3. It would give the impression that I'm eager to work (lol) and up for whatever. This equals more opportunities in the future.
The choice seemed obvious. No hustle no gain.
Also, I'm still aiming to take classes come August.
AND I'm actually consistently WRITING my new project- I finally stopped being a bum.
I feel productive and that I'm moving forward. ESPECIALLY with my writing project- which is my main priority.
What is hustle exactly?
Well, there is one definition I like. One being "energetic activity; drive."
I mean, hustle isn't all there is to it, but I think you need that drive to stay focused on your goals. I think what I lacked before was drive. I have skill, and every so often I suppose you can say I have luck, but drive? No.
Many times I'd find myself following a tangent into different directions. When you have drive you have a destination, you know where you want to park the car. If not then its just called cruising. Cruising can be nice, scenic, and peaceful. But eventually without an exact destination you will run out of gas.

Seriously. I mean, okay- not totally, but on some levels- yeah. Elaborate? Well, things change in life. The one constant we can count on is probably change.
Many things change for me as I continue to grow.
Yet one thing I can tell for sure has stayed constant. Me wanting to write. To produce books, scripts, poems, short stories. That has stayed the same.
No matter the other things that come along and even though I push it from my mind for some weeks, even a month or two, it always comes glaring me back in my face. My want and need to use my creativity to create stories and characters and to share them with the world.
But also, there is something else that has stayed constant as well.
My utter procrastination and internal struggle to ever START and FINISH a project.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it is my fear of failure. Perhaps it is my short attention span-lol. IDK.
What I do know, is that if I never start- I'll never finish. If I never finish I will never know.
I think it came glaring back at me with my new position at work. It is clearly on a path to being deeper into the business world. Something of an office job. The career path can definitely pay well- that is for sure. Yet...here I am thinking of the possibilities and I think;
"I don't want a desk job."
"I want to use my imagination"
"I want to be more in control"

I think I'm always putting things in front of writing b/c its easier that way. There. I said it. It's easier to try and pick anything BUT what I want to really do. LOL. Why? Maybe b/c with writing I have to put myself out there. I have to focus. There's a fear of putting myself out there and not getting the results I desire.
Going to school to get a degree in business, political science, medicine, or whatever has always been the backup. IT was always like, "if this doesn't take off I'll have started my degree and can settle down into a somewhat interesting, and well paying, job in another field.
Somehow in my procrastinating with writing, my fear of being dirt poor, and my determination to change my then current situation I made the school thing the priority. It seemed the most immediate change that could happen..
I think there's a reason I can't seem to settle on a major.
I think I need to go through things and reevaluate why I'm doing them and what my goal overall is.
I've been jumping through hoops for the past few months to, in the end, place my self in over 10,000 debt by the end of my Sophomore year-when I still have NO idea what I'd care to study.
Nothing wrong with trying to secure your future. But does it have to be secured in such a way that you sacrifice the chance to reach for the stars?
Basically I want to stop being lazy when it comes to what I want and a busybody when it comes to all the things that should have been backups.
No bullshitting. Hold me to it. I'm going to start and finish a writing project. For real this time.

That movie ROCKED!!!!!

That is all. I can't wait until the next one comes out. Totally better than Wolverine (although that was decent as well) but this movie was GREAT!!!!!

SO! I move into my new apartment this weekend!! Super excited. It's a new space and a total upgrade. Until the new money with my new job kicks in I'll be cutting it pretty close with my rent. NOT super close though if I budget right. So happy to be moving into a real apartment and not an in-law.
In other news- I feel fat-lol. I'm trying not to obsess over my weight but with this job having me sit down most of the time I am SUPER paranoid that I'm going to start packing on the pounds. I need to eat more healthy and try to not splurge as much on the junk food.
There's another reason to want to make sure I'm healthy.
My brother went into the hospital last weekend. Kidney Failure. He may be on dialysis (basically a machine that does the job of your kidneys) for some time. Who knows how his body will react to it. They say that sometimes the kidneys begin to function again, but his specialist is saying that is unlikely. Who knows...we may have to look into transplants. Well- I'd be the first in line to donate for him. He's my best friend and I can function with just one. I know its a heavy decision, but when it comes to my family- anything within my power I will try to do. But either way with one kidney or two I can't be unhealthy with it (especially with one). Also, I won't be a good donor if my stuff is unhealthy. It sucks that he is going through this- especially at his young age.
With the change with my job, change in living space, along with health focus- I definitely want to clean mental house as well. For the most part I've been focused on the job but when going home I spend my time on obscure things like SOAP OPERAS-lol. It's really annoying how addicted I became to the online community of them. I started writing fan fictions for some of the characters. Initially it was cool b/c it helped me get back into the flow of writing a story, but soon it became a bother. Mainly b/c here I was putting so much effort into a really good story that I COULDN'T USE FOR MY OWN PROFIT. I didn't own these characters and spending so much time developing a story I couldn't use was just ridiculous. I know I've talked about wanting to write and never seem to bring it to reality- but I genuinely want to do that. Getting distracted in fan fictions is fun (especially with so many people saying they enjoy your work) but when it becomes a separate road from developing stories you can use for yourself well...it's time to take a step back.
Along with this I am still gearing up for starting college (again-lol) in the fall. I'm still straddling the fence if I want to focus in Business or Political Science. Before Business seemed ok to make money but before it just seemed so obscure and just money focused. Political Science seemed more focused b/c it had the ability to help people...somehow-lol. With the change in position at work I do feel like the option of a degree in Business doesn't seem so obscure- especially with a focus in marketing.
Then again, I don't think I need to make this decision until close to the end of my Freshmen year. But I have placed the option of Business as a major back on the table- for now.

So today is Friday and I was expecting to have a WAAAAAAY better check b/c I begun working in my new position. Did I? Nope. Turns out there's a waiting period. One of the bosses is saying I might have to wait 90 DAYS before I get the raise. The other, who is my immediate boss, is saying he'll try to get it in 30. I'm PISSED. I've worked at this company for how long now? And they are actually making me wait for an upgrade? Have I not showed my dedication? Or is it that this bigger boss isn't so sure I fit in with the office crowd...whatever. It's bullshit. I'm mad and now I have to adjust my finances so I don't go broke in looking for a new apartment b/c of this delay. I mean, I'm working a job that requires more money to do it. WTF? So I'm busting my ass for the same pay as my previous position. NOT HAPPY.
Plus my boyfriend is shipping out for two months today. NOT HAPPY.
Rant over.


:An Hour Later:
Okay, after talking to some friends and just thinking it through. I have decided to be constructive about this situation. I'm more than capable of doing this job. I'm more than capable of doing a job higher than this. I have the know how, the basic skills, and the determination. And best of all I've got God on my side. I'm going to show these people what I am capable of. Not only will I ace this job I will aim to be moved higher than this. I'm reaching for the stars. At first I was going to respond to it the way I've responded to things in the best. Be sad and sulk or whatever. But I'm taking the constructive road. They've just added fuel to my fire. I'm going to learn the fashion business and business in general and do the damn thing. They have created a beautiful monster.

-CKR

Well, when one door closes, it seems another door opens. Or maybe its that other saying of "everything happens for a reason." Not really sure. Not trying to narrow it down either. But it does seem as though the two apply to the last couple of days.
1. Failed my driving test- LOL. Let's start with the bad shall we? I know, I'm 23 just now trying to get my license, but better late than never I say. Or I've heard other people say. Well, I know how to drive. I've been driving for some time now without a license (with a permit of course) but I know how to drive. I know this b/c my boyfriend, who has no problem telling me when I suck at something-lol, said so. So I take the test behind the wheel, and I get a sexist dick for a tester. The guy was nervous before I even started. To make a miserable story short- he failed me on ONE THING. Basically he said I did a dangerous maneuver. My response?: HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW I WAS GOING TO DO A DANGEROUS MANEUVER WHEN YOU GRABBED THE FUCKING WHEEL BEFORE I MADE MY DECISION YOU SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT????
To not give this miserable man more attention than he is worth- turns out he fails a lot of women. Gee, wonder why? Anyway. Later for that loser. I'll do well the next time I think. Just can't let him shake my confidence.

2. Got a significant promotion at work. Went from doing physical work in the clothing warehouse to working in the office area with the big wigs. LOL, I'm still reeling from the shock of it all. Imagine me, coming in from missing work the previous day (to take my driving test- which I failed) to be presented with this opportunity. Well, I'm ecstatic. I have to dress up now for work and stuff- but its worth it. It's a blessing I think, but it also gives me a lot to think about. Especially with my class schedule and stuff. Still want to go to school full time, but now that I have this (what I think is) better job, I'd like to hold onto it longer. I need to find a balance.

But to me, I see these events, trying for my license and getting this upgrade at my work as just that- an UPGRADE. And I do believe it is long over due.
That's all for now.

POLITICS:
 I suppose I came to this conclusion recently that the SWP is not the center of progressive politics (and water is still wet-lol) and that I shouldn't allow my negative experience with them to keep me from doing something that I vowed to do some years ago when my Aunt Maize passed away. It was one of the reasons (when I still thought the SWP capable of change) I joined them full force. It was to change the world so that people like my Aunt Maize and my family (working class, not rich, simply tying to get by human beings) would have a chance at a better life. To be able to live under a system that isn't against them, but works for them. A system that says FUCK big daddy rich guys with their exploitation. It was what kept me going even during my bitter end days in the SWP. Why should I allow this small sect of 120 ppl (w/ the average age of 50) to keep me out of something I know I need to be apart of?
I have bigger fish to fry. I dislike that group with a passion, but I'm not about making them my main focus. They are only important in the sense that they are a part of my past. other than that, no one who hasn't come in contact with them gives a shit about this group. They are not in the center of politics nor are they at the forefront of working class struggles- thank God-lol.

( my thoughts )

My job just irks the shit out of me sometimes. I basically ship clothes- that is what I do. I work in a factory where ppl design, sow, cut, stock, and ship clothes for a profit. Nothing more, nothing less. At the moment I give 40 hours (when they aren't cutting hours) a week to this BORING job. It's bearable at times- mainly when I'm around my co-workers who realize what we do is bullshit and simply a way to get money for ourselves. In the bigger scheme of things it doesn't really contribute much, and since we don't get paid above minimum wage why should we really give a fuck anyway.
But every so often I get those co-workers or ppl in the building who really take this shit seriously-and it irks me. B/c they want to be busy bodies and want to actually seem to give a shit if the count is right and other mess. And I just want to scream: GET THE FUCK OVER IT OKAY. YOU AREN'T A SCIENTIST OR ENGINEER, A DOCTOR, A PUBLIC SERVICE SERVICE PERSON OR BASICALLY DOING ANY JOB THAT CONTRIBUTES TO SOCIETY- STOP ACTING LIKE IT. I mean not like they are worthless, but join a community group, switch professions, become active OUTSIDE of this job. But never sip the kool-aid and let them make you believe this shit means anything besides staying slightly out of the poor house.
If you have a passion for fashion- fine but if not- don't fake the funk and act like this means anything besides a weekly check.
This is why I'm a firm beleiver that people should be allowed to do things they actually care about, or get paid enough at jobs they don't care about to go out and do things that actually interest them. It would make for more well rounded individuals who would see beyond their day to day.Because if not you get certain co-workers like mine who think who try to make jobs like mine way more important than they are. The only importance it serves outside of giving me a weekly check is continuing to make the boss at the top more rich. And I don't give a fuck about him or his riches.